Mad World
by MiniBenson
Summary: Something happens, forcing Elliot to consider many things. Not E/O. Title is from the song "Mad World" by Gary Jules. I'm not 100% why I chose it for the title. Oh well. Anyway, read and review!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I hope you all enjoy this. I've pretty much stopped my other SVU fic in favor of starting a new one. This one will be a little different. I'll start it off, and the first chapter will be in present time. The next few chapters will be in past time, then it will move back to the present. I'll indicate when it's what. This chapter is also in the first person, something that may continue throughout the story. This first person is Elliot. This is not E/O. Only a friendship between them. But Dean Porter may appear, depending on my mood when I write. Enjoy! And please review!!**

**Disclaimer: Nothing in this chapter is mine. That may change later if I bring in a new character or something.**

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**Intensive Care Unit, Bellevue Hospital**

**March 18, 2008**

**9:43 PM**

"Man, you gotta get some sleep," a voice behind me commented. I looked up to see John Munch standing over my shoulder. The older detective looked concerned, but I couldn't get myself to move. My eyes drifted to the form in front of me, the beeping from the machines suddenly becoming louder in the silent room. She looked so pale, lifeless almost. I wanted to think that she was just sleeping, but it was more. Much more.

"I can't," I sighed, shaking my head. I couldn't will myself to move. Kathy had called several times. Luckily, she seemed pretty understanding of the situation, telling me to take all the time I needed. I couldn't just get up and go home. Not after what had happened today. It was too much, and I was definitely responsible in more than one way. Could have prevented it. Should have prevented it. But 'could have's' and 'should have's' did no good now.

"Her brother's here. She's not gonna be alone tonight," the older detective tried to persuade me, but I just couldn't. I hadn't seen Simon since he'd arrived. I couldn't. The thought of looking him in the eye after what had happened, I just... I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell him what happened, how I could have prevented it.

"Leave me alone, John," I snapped, glaring at Munch. He looked taken aback for a moment before nodding. He silently walked out of the room, and my gaze shifted back to her. Olivia. God, how did I let this happen? Her bruised body was painful even to look at. Her right leg covered by a cast, her arms hanging limply by her side. The bandage wrapped around her head. It shouldn't have been her. This shouldn't have happened to her. She looked so fragile now. I've never seen her like that. Even in the worst of cases, she refused to show emotion. She always looked strong, even when injured. When her throat had been cut a few years back. It was scary. I was terrified. I thought I'd lose my best friend. But there she was, waving me away. Insisting she was fine. And she was. And then a few months ago. When that psycho slashed her arm. She was fine then as well. Hell, she managed to take him down with a book. That's the Liv I know. Not this one.

Sometimes I feel like she's my kid sister. I always want to protect her from whatever evil there is. She's been my best friend for years. I could talk to her. She was there for me during the rough time in my marriage. She's helped me whenever something bad has happened at work. I can talk to her about anything, and the same goes with her. I was there for her when she found her brother. Helped her when Simon was accused of rape.

"Liv, you have to get better," I whispered, resting my head in the palms of my hands. Tears stung at my eyes, and I didn't bother to wipe them away. She's the only person I might cry in front of. Sure, she may not be conscious. But still. God, if she wasn't better... if she died... I don't know what I'd do. I don't know if I could handle it.

I wish things turned out different. I wish many things, and regret many things. But this regret... it's the biggest I've ever had. I hate it. I hate me. This shouldn't have happened to her. Not when it was so easy to prevent. I looked up finally and took her hand in mine, just holding it. It was so cold, something I wasn't used to. I leaned back in the chair that was by the hospital bed, closing my eyes as I went over what had happened in my mind again.

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**Another Note: So, what d'ya all think? Please review if you want more! And I know you do!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: I'm glad you guys are enjoying it! IAB - I actually hadn't thought of that. But now you've got my wheels turning, so I think a visit from them later on will be warranted. Hehe. This chapter, you'll get an idea of what happened. Still first person as Elliot. But it's going back in time some - earlier in the day, really. So just keep an eye on dates and times, if you will. Oh yea, I have no idea how the streets in New York are. So there will be many errors with that.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. Maybe some perps and made-up characters later, but not now. I don't think.**

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**SVU Squad Room**

**March 18, 2008**

**8:27 AM**

"So, Kathy rolled over and told me that I was on diaper duty for the next 2 week," I explained, smirking a little. Olivia looked up at me from her desk, clearly annoyed. I decided it was probably time to shut up about my adventures of sneaking out in the middle of the night after getting a call about a case. Possibly the busiest day of the year for us. Well, that and New Years. People get hammered and next thing you know, we've got 3 rape cases to deal with. They're the worst kind too - the he said/she said ones. Practically impossible to prove. "Why are you in such a bad mood?" I finally asked, leaning back in my seat.

"We got a call at 3 in the morning. I hadn't even been asleep for an hour at that point," she answered, looking up from her file. "And aside from that, we've got 3 rape cases on our hands. And I'm sure we'll get more," she sighed. "And why are you so cheery anyway?"

I shrugged. I wasn't too sure. I just was. "Go catch some sleep in the crib," I suggested, standing up and heading to the coffee machine. I poured myself a cup and took a sip before having to fight the urge to spit it back out. "Munch make the coffee again?" I asked, peering into my mug at the sludge inhab reiting it.

"Hey, if you don't like it, don't drink it," Munch commented, appearing next to me.

"How about you just learn to make it correctly?" I replied simply, pouring the coffee out. "Liv, wanna come and get some coffee?" I asked, grabbing my jacket.

"Sure," she shrugged, standing up. "Could use a rest from this anyway. I've read it like, 5 times and I still have no idea what it says," she added, rubbing her eyes before getting her own coat. She turned to head out of the squad room and I followed.

"Elliot, Olivia." I turned to see Cragen looking at us.

"What's up Cap?" Olivia asked, turning to see him.

"Your rapist from the O'Donnel case was just spotted on the corner of Lex and 123rd. Go pick him up," Cragen answered. "A few uni's are trailing him until you guys get there."

"Alright," I nodded before heading out with Olivia. "There goes our coffee," I sighed. Damn. I could've used it too.

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"Right there," Olivia said, spotting our wanted rapist. "Stop the car," she mumbled, unbuckling her seat belt. He wouldn't stop for a police car, and she knew she'd have to chase him while I drove. I did as commanded, and she hopped out of the car, following our perp. He must have caught sight of her, because he bolted. She started chasing him, turning corners quickly as he did so.

I turned on the lights and sirens and sped off, trying to figure out the best route to go. I turned a corner and I watched as the perp crossed the street, barely missing getting hit by a car. Olivia appeared a moment later, crossing the same street. I watched as she did so, and my eyes widened as a car sped towards her. "Olivia!" I yelled as the car connected with her body, sending her flying across the street. I stopped the car and jumped out, running towards her. "Olivia!" I screamed, kneeling by her side. There was blood all over, and her right leg was bent at an odd angle. It was grotesque, truth be told. I swallowed back the vomit that threatened to come out and reached for my radio.

"SVU Portable to Central," I said, my voice shaking. "Go ahead SVU Portable," a voice returned my call. "I have a 10-13. I've got a 10-53 at the corner of Lex and 123rd. Officer down! I repeat, I have an officer down! I need a bus forthwith!" I yelled into the radio. "10-4 SVU Portable," Central replied. I put my radio down and reached for my partners hand. "Help's on the way. Just hold on Liv," I whispered, trying not to think about her condition at the moment.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: I am SOOO sorry I have seemingly abandoned this. I forgot about it, and had to go back and look. But I sincerely hope you all enjoy this chapter, and as always, read and review!**

**Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue.**

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**Emergency Room, Bellevue Hospital**

**March 18, 2008**

**9:39 AM**

"Elliot!" I heard my name called, and turned to see Cragen rushing towards me. I stopped my pacing and looked at him, trying to hide the tears in my eyes. "What happened?" he asked hurriedly, glancing at Munch and Fin standing behind him.

"We were chasing a perp. She was chasing him, I was driving. She ran out right behind him, Cap. Some car hit her," I managed to get out. "They're not telling me a thing. She coded in the bus," I whispered, tears escaping my eyes and ruining my brave front.

Cragen listened intently, his face paling as I explained. He reached over and patted my arm. "I'll see what I can find out," he said quietly, heading off in search of a doctor. I slowly lowered myself into a chair for the first time in almost a half hour, trying to figure out how this happened. How I let this happen to her.

"Detective Stabler?" I glanced up when I heard my name, and was greeted by a doctor in bloodied scrubs.

"Oh, God," I whispered, fearing the worst. "Is she..." I couldn't bring myself to say the word I was thinking.

"No, no," the doctor replied hurriedly, shaking his head as he realized my question. "I'm Dr. Parker. I worked on Detective Benson down here," he explained. "She's just been brought to surgery," he added. I glanced over to see Captain Cragen beside me, and I tried to figure out when he'd appeared. "Detective, your partners injuries were very severe. Her leg is badly broken, and she's broken several ribs. One of her broken ribs punctured her right lung, and we had to insert a chest tube. She also has a head injury. We don't know much else at this point," Dr. Parker explained slowly.

"Will she be okay?" Munch found his voice finally.

"Detectives, Olivia is in critical condition. We don't know anything for certain right now," Dr. Parker answered. "But she is young and strong and healthy. And that counts for a lot," he added quickly.

"Thank you doctor," Cragen nodded. "We can go upstairs and wait in the surgical waiting area?" he asked. The doctor nodded before his pager went off and he headed to deal with his other patients. "Come on, Elliot," Cragen said quietly, heading for the elevator.

"She's gonna pull through this, man," Fin said, trying to remain optimistic.

"You don't know that," I mumbled, following them to the elevator. It was impossible to think that in a split second, everything could change. The rest of somebody's life could be determined by one incident. And that incident could affect everyone around that person. How was I going to survive if she didn't make it through this? Olivia had to make it through this. She just had to.

"She's tough," John answered after a few minutes. My coworkers were taking this just as hard as I was - I could tell. They were trying to hide their pain, trying to be brave, but I could see it. I could see through the front the put on, and the pain they carried with them. An effect of working the job with them for so long. A job that no one else wanted, a job that made a difference, a job that had to get done no matter the cost. But this cost was just too high, in my opinion. The death of Olivia would be too high a cost.

We made it up to the surgical wing and commenced another round of waiting, hopeful that this would end on a positive note.

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**Author's Note: Did you all like it? Please review!!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: I'm glad you all like it! This update is kind of short because I don't have much time, but I'll add another chapter later tonight, I promise. We're heading back to present time with this chapter, and it will remain in present time from here on in.  
**

**Disclaimer: Do we seriously think Dick Wolf would give any of them up?**

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**Intensive Care Unit, Bellevue Hospital**

**March 18, 2008  
**

**10:03 PM**

I play it over again and again in my mind, trying to figure out what I could've done, how I could've prevented this from happening. They never tell you about this in the academy. Sure, they prepare you for the possibility of yourself getting hurt, and they tell you how you can keep yourself and your partner safe. But they don't show you exactly how you'll feel when something does happen. Who knew you could become so close to someone who's not family, or someone you love like a spouse? I sure as hell didn't.

I look at her helpless figure, my fingers absently running along her small hand. She looks so small laying there, so hurt. Well, she is hurt. I'm just used to seeing her kickin' ass. Doing what she does best - catching perps and helping victims. It's who she is, we all know it. We worked great together. We may be too close, according to a certain psychiatrist, but in the end, it's what makes us so great when we work together.

"My God," came a shocked whisper. I glanced over to see Dean Porter standing in the doorway, fear and pain etched in his face. Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothin' against this guy. It's just hard to explain. He rubs me the wrong way sometimes. But nothing about him angered me now. We all had something in common - Olivia. "How?" Dean asked quietly, finding his voice after a moment of silence.

"She was chasing a perp. She didn't see a car heading for her," I explained, equally as quiet. I looked back to her, hoping that she'd magically wake up or something. Anything.

"Yea, Simon mentioned a car," Dean replied, glancing behind him out the door.

"I told him he should go home for awhile. That I'd call him if anything changed," I sighed. I guess I couldn't complain, though. It was good he was here. But I wished he weren't, no matter who he was to Liv. Nothing against him, I just couldn't really look at him after what happened to Liv. After what I caused by having her pursue the suspect instead of myself doing so. It was hard for me to face anyone right now. It was all my fault.

"Why don't you go get some..." Dean trailed off when I shot him a look that plainly said I wasn't going anywhere.

"You go. I'll have someone find you if there's any change," I replied finally, looking back at Olivia. He didn't respond, but I heard footsteps as he left the room to go get himself a coffee. "You have to wake up for me Liv. Please, you have to wake up," I whispered, praying she could hear me even though she wasn't conscious.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Thank you all so much for the reviews! I've been reading them, and since I haven't finished the story yet, I am trying to figure out what/how to incorporate them into it. You all have such great ideas. Hope you all enjoy this next chapter, and as always, please review! It's what keeps this story going!**

**Disclaimer: If it were mine, I'd be a rich woman. And I'm not, so it's not mine.**

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**Intensive Care Unit, Bellevue Hospital**

**March 18, 2008**

**11:30 PM**

"Elliot?" someone shakes me awake. "Elliot?" the voice asks again. I groan groggily, opening my eyes before instantly closing them against the light. It's the captain trying to wake me up, and I know I should respond.

"Yea?" I mumble, slowly attempting to open my eyes again, praying that the light in the room doesn't blind me like before.

"You should head home. It's been a long day for both of you," Don replies, looking at me, concern and worry in his eyes.

"I'm not leaving her," I reply, looking over to him.

"Kathy called. She's really worried about you," Don responds, sitting in the vacant seat on the other side. "We're all heading back to the station in a few minutes. Try and find the suspect from this morning that she was chasing," he adds.

"I'll call Kathy in a little while," I reply, trying to persuade him that I'm fine. He knows it's not even remotely true, but I can't leave her there. Sure, her brother and Dean are there, but still. She's my partner. We've been friends forever, it seems. She's like a sister to me. I can't leave her.

"Elliot, the nurses are gonna kick you out soon. They don't like anyone but family in here to begin with. They've bended the rules enough for us. Let her brother stay with her tonight, and you go home and get some sleep," Don tries again, standing up. As if on cue, a nurse knocks on the door.

"Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave for tonight. You can come back tomorrow," the nurse smiles warmly, sticking her head in the room. I sigh, defeated. This isn't fair.

"I'll come with you guys then. The son-of-a-bitch who caused this isn't just getting away with it," I say, standing. The suspect caused this. If he had just stopped, none of this would have happened, and Liv would be okay. If he didn't start the chase... why am I thinking like this? I know it was my fault. I know I could've... what am I doing? I'm placing blame upon everyone. Who's really to blame? Myself or the perp or the driver of the car? All of us, I decide. All three of us are to blame.

"Are you sure that's such a good idea? I really think you should go home to your wife and kids..." Don sighs, obviously unsure about letting me try and help. But he won't convince me. If I can't stay with Liv, then I'll sure as hell find one of the people at fault.

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**SVU Squad Room**

**March 19. 2008**

**12:08 AM**

"Where are we on this?" I ask, coming out from the locker room after changing my bloodied clothes. My clothes covered in her blood. Needless to say, I tossed them in the garbage can at the first opportunity.

"He hasn't used a credit card at all," Munch says, looking up from the computer. "None of the uniforms have seen him since the accident," he adds, standing up. "They were too busy dealing with the driver of the car..."

"Was he drunk? Speeding?" I question, my attention turning to the information on the driver instead.

"It was a mistake, El," Fin sighs. "She darted out in front of him. He didn't see her coming until it was too late," he adds. I stand up, angry.

I cross over to his desk, and rest my hands on the collar of his shirt. "Are you saying this is Liv's fault?" I seethe. "This is not her fault. It's this son-of-a-bitches fault. The bastard she was chasing. It's his fault. It's my fault for not chasing him instead. This is NOT her fault!" I yell, my face reddening in anger.

"Hey, cool it," Munch intervenes, pulling me away. "He didn't say it was her fault. It was an accident, Elliot. No one could've seen this coming..." he explains calmly, letting go of me.

"Shut up," I glare at him. "I could've prevented it," I add before storming off into the locker room to calm down.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: Wow, I'm really flattered by all the positive feedback! As always, I keep your suggestions in mind as I write, so feel free to keep them coming. I'm still not sure how I'm going to end this, and I do plan on writing another story soon. If you have time and you're a _Third Watch_ fan, check out my _Third Watch_ fic please! As always, please review! Thanks!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my ideas. Anything else belongs to Dick Wolf.**

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**SVU Squad Room**

**March 19, 2008**

**2:47 AM**

"Elliot... ELLIOT!" Cragen rushed into the interrogation room, pulling me back as I lost my temper with the driver of the car. Everyone told me to back off, to let it go, that it was an accident. But this guy, this son-of-a-bitch, he ran Liv over. He ran her over and now she's in intensive care. It's not... it's not fair that this bastard is fine, and Olivia is fighting for her life. I looked at this guy on the floor, curled into a ball as he tried to avoid my foot connecting with his ribs.

"Get off me!" I yell, disentangling myself from Don's grasp. "I'm fine," I can hear the sharp intake of my breath, and I know I need to cool it. They're right - I shouldn't be questioning him. I know inside he's not at fault. I need someone to hold accountable besides myself. I'm tearing myself up because I know - I know that it is my fault. It's my fault, it's the perps fault - the one she was chasing. It's not this guys fault. But he's the only one in sight to blame - therefore, I'm blaming him. "I'm fine," I repeat, skulking out of the room.

"We need to talk. Now," Don says sternly, heading for his office. I think about ditching him before remembering that he holds my job in his hands. More importantly, he's the one who won't allow IAB to drag my ass out of here for assault. "Elliot, you can't do this," he says blatantly once I arrive in his office. "If you wanna see Liv when she wakes up, you need to stop. You're close to another indiscretion in your jacket. You're blaming yourself, you're assaulting innocent people. I'm not telling you this as your boss. I'm telling you as your friend to cool off and cut the crap..."

"Cap, it's - " I cut myself off at the look he gives me.

"It's not your fault. It happened. Accidents... they happen. We deal with it, and move on. We're all rallying for her. She'll make it through this. I'm sure she will," Don leans back in his seat. "Elliot, you can't beat yourself up over this. You're picking fights with Fin, you're beating up guys you shouldn't even be near. This isn't gonna help her, and it only ensures that you won't be there to see her when she's better. And she will get better," his voice softened as he spoke, the fatherly aspect we all saw in him coming out.

"Did you see her in there?" I whisper, trying to keep my voice from breaking. "She looked so... fragile..." My attempts fail, and I break down in front of him. I don't break down in front of anyone, and it only makes me feel like a pansy. But it's Liv. She's been my partner, my best friend, my confidant. I dunno what I'd do if I lost her.

"She's gonna get through this. You have to have faith," Don said quietly, standing up and heading over to me. He rests his hand on my shoulder. "She'll make it through this. She's a fighter. She's strong."

"She's not Superwoman," I reply pathetically, recovering from my meltdown. I stand up and make my way out of there, ignoring his calls to me as I make my way outside. I need some air, some time to think.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: Thank you all for such positive reviews! They definitely make it easier for me to continue on with the story - knowing that it is well-liked. Please, keep reviewing! It keeps me writing! At the advice of the reviewers, the one and only Rebecca Hendrix is making an appearance! Please review!  
**

**Disclaimer: While I wish I owned them, I do not own anything relating to SVU.**

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**Joey's 24 Hour Coffee Shop**

**March 19, 2008**

**3:30 AM**

"I'm sorry for calling so late," I say quietly, looking down into the black puddle sitting in the mug in front of me. I feel bad for calling her at 3:00 in the morning, but I really need to talk to someone. She knows my innermost secret - something I have never even spilled to Liv. I can trust her, and I always feel better after a chat with her. I glance up to the brunette sitting across from me, her tired eyes worried.

"Elliot, don't even worry about it," she replies, shaking her head. "I heard about Olivia this afternoon. I figured you'd be calling..." she adds, leaning back in her seat. "What happened?" she asks finally, interrupting the silence.

"It's my fault. I should've... I should have been chasing him. I should have had Liv drive," I look down again, hoping that the shiny black puddle will give me some answers, some help. "It should have been me that got hit," I whisper.

"Don't even say that, Elliot," Rebecca replies quickly, straightening. "You can't fill your mind with 'should haves, would haves, could haves'. It happened, and you'll only drive yourself crazy doing that." She sighs and stirs the milk into her coffee. "Nothing good comes from self-blame. You know it was an accident. We all know that. You couldn't have prevented it or predicted it."

"Who the hell am I supposed to blame? It sure as hell isn't Liv's fault!" I look at her, anger seeping into me.

"It wasn't anyone's fault. Accidents happen. You know that," she looks at me sympathetically, and it immediately rids me of my anger towards her. "If she makes it through this, how do you think she'll feel knowing that you blame yourself?"

She makes a valid point, and I know it. "What if she blames me too?" I reply pathetically.

"Is that really Olivia's style?" She leans back once more. "Elliot, if you blame yourself, she'll blame herself for causing it, even if she isn't the cause. It's a vicious circle. Do you really want that?"

"I just want her to be okay," I finally reply, unsure of what else I can say. "She's my best friend. I can't lose her..." I pick up my mug and swirl it around, watching as the coffee discolors the sides.

"She's tough," Rebecca finally offers. "If she has the will power, she'll get through it," she adds.

"I... I don't know if she does..." I whisper. Part of me wonders if she's really just give up and stop fighting. I know she's been down about some stuff lately. Maybe she'll just decide that it's not worth it... no, I can't think like that. I hear the ringing of a cell phone, and it takes me a moment before I realize it's my own. Reaching into my pocket, I pull it out. "Stabler," I answer, not bothering to look at the caller ID.

"Elliot, we're at Bellevue. You should get down here now," Cragen's voice fills the receiving end, and I feel my heart race at the urgency in his voice.

"Is she awake? Or did she..." I can't bring myself to finish the end of the sentence. "Did she take a turn for the worse?" I inhale sharply as I say that.

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**Author's Note: A cliffhanger!! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Did I hit Rebecca pretty well? Please review!!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: I am sooooo sorry I haven't updated. It's been insanely busy. I can't always promise a quick update, but I'm trying my best to keep up with this. I had some trouble deciding where to take this, but I feel as though I've figured out a good plan for how to do this. So, this chapter is ahead of time now, but I will go back and explain some more again. Keep an eye on the dates/times! As always, read and review!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. So don't sue.**

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**Elliot Stabler's Home  
**

**March 25, 2008**

**10:35 AM**

"Elliot, you really should come..." Don looks at me from across the kitchen table, sympathy written across his face. I didn't want to sit here, listening to him repeat the same thing everyone else has said. I don't want to hear this. I can't go... I just... I can't.

"I can't do this," I whisper, glancing up before looking back down into my coffee mug again. I've said the same thing to everyone for two days now. John, Fin, Kathy, Don, Simon... everyone. It feels like the past week is a blur. I can't understand any of this. It's confusing to me - how this happened in the first place. How my partner, my best friend, is dead. The kicker is how we were all under the impression that she'd be fine, that she'd get through this.

"She wouldn't want you to do this to yourself," Don replies, resting a paternal hand on my arm.

"Shut up!" I yell, jerking my arm away as I stand up. The older man looks hurt, but I can tell he understands. "Nobody gets it! Everyone just needs to leave me the hell alone! She wouldn't want any of this!" I'm pacing angrily by now, trying to convey my emotions without anger. It's not working. "She didn't wanna die! I caused this!" I storm outside, letting the brisk morning air hit my face. I ca n hear Don and Kathy talking quietly inside, and I know he's telling her to talk to me. I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of hearing that everything will be alright. Nothing's alright.

A moment passes before I notice Don passing me on his way to his car. He's trying, and I feel bad for blowing up at him. But I can't help it. He doesn't understand. No one understands it. "Are you alright, daddy?" a voice catches my attention, and I glance behind me to see Maureen there. My oldest daughter. Even though she's on her own, it's always comforting to hear 'daddy' come out of her mouth every now and then.

"Fine," I mumble before turning to head inside. I pause, knowing that inside, my wife is waiting, probably wanting to talk.

"We all loved her like family, dad," Maureen says quietly, sitting on the steps of the porch. "We all miss her," she whispers. I can hear the pain in her own voice, and the father in me takes over the saddened friend. I sit beside her and wrap my arm over her shoulders. I glance over finally, and I see the tears rolling down her face. It breaks my heart. "I'm just so glad it wasn't you," she mumbles, burying her head in my shoulder.

I cant help but think that it should have been me. "I can't believe she's gone," I whisper, smoothing my daughters hair down. I don't know what else to say. I'm so engulfed in my own pain, that it's hard to be a dad right now. My kids are hurting from this too, but I just can't help them. I can't even help myself, right now.

"You're really not going to the wake or funeral?" Maureen asks quietly, trying to stop crying. I can't bring myself to look at her now. I can't go to Liv's wake or funeral. It's confirmation that she's gone. I don't want to face that. I simply shake my head 'no', unsure of what to say. "I kind of wanted to," Maureen replies, sniffling. "I know Kathleen and Dickie and Elizabeth wanted to as well. I don't wanna go without you though..." she adds.

"Baby, I just can't," I sigh, running my free hand over my face. I can't explain it. I'm sure Simon blames me. He acts like he doesn't, but this was his sister. And Dean Porter. He was into her. We could all tell. I'm sure he blames me. The wake takes place in two hours, and for two days, everyone has been trying to convince me I need closure. "I can't do it," I whisper once more, continuing to hold my oldest daughter like I did when she was a young child, waking up from a nightmare.

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**Author's Note: Please don't hate me. Pleaseeeee. I didn't want to do this, but rest-assured, the plans I have for the rest of the story will be worth it. Review, please!!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: I am so sorry for not updating in a really long time. It's been crazy. Well, as I said in the previous chapter, I had a nice little plan for all of you because of the horrid thing I did. So, keeping with it, I will be bringing it up somewhat in this nice, long chapter. Song lyrics are bolded and italicized. Memories are simply italicized. Keep an eye on the dates/times. As always, enjoy! And please review it!!!!**

**Warnings: Strong language.  
**

**Song List: "Crazy Ever After" by The Rescues.  
"From Where You Are" by Lifehouse.  
"Photograph" by Nickelback.**

**Disclaimer: I can wish, hope, and pray, and they still will not belong to me. The song isn't mine either.**

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**Stabler Residence**

**March 26, 2008**

**1:46 AM**

I can't stand all this nothing as I pace my living room, and my hand reaches for the stereo. I turn it on low, hopin' I don't wake anyone up. I haven't really slept well for days now, since the accident. Since

**_"... pacing our apartment  
My head's a broken record, I can't think  
I keep repeating  
The very last word that you said to me._**

**_You didn't tell me you loved me, just 'goodbye'  
And there was something final in it..."_**

That's just creepy.... those were her last words to me...

_"Elliot, it's not your fault," she sighs, glancing at me. Her voice is weak... tired. She'd woken up a few minutes earlier in a fit of pain.  
_

_"Liv, this shouldn't have happened," I reply simply, glancing at her bruised and broken body. "I... I should've been chasin' him. Not you..."_

_"El, stop it. Stop it now..." Olivia looked at me sharply. "I - " she was cut short when the doctor made his way in._

_"Officer, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave for awhile," the doctor said, pulling on a pair of gloves._

_"No, I'm not leaving," I crossed my arms in protest, refusing to leave her now._

_"Elliot..." Olivia looked at me tiredly. "We'll talk later. Goodbye." That final word from her mouth told me it was over. The conversation was over. But somehow, it seemed like more..._

You know, I sure as hell didn't expect her to come out with 'I love you'. We weren't like that. Ya know, we loved each other. But not like that. Not in the romantic way. She my best friend. She's like a sister. Sorry. Was. She **was** my best friend. She **was** like a sister. But now... now she's gone. She's gone and it's my fault. I caused it, no matter what she may have said. I fucked up.

**_"... Stay - everything is wrong without you  
Stay - my whole world's a wreck  
Oh will you save me now  
Or leave me crazy ever after..."_**

Yea, that pretty much sums it up. Everything is wrong and my world is a wreck. Why? 'Cause she's gone. Liv is gone. We'd barely talked for 10 minutes before the doctor came in and kicked me out. And the conversation wasn't exactly fun. And what did I get as a parting gift? 'Goodbye'? Why'd this hafta happen to her? This song is depressing. I lean over to switch the station.

_"Olivia!" I yelled as the car connected with her body, sending her flying across the street. I stopped the car and jumped out, running towards her. "Olivia!" I screamed, kneeling by her side._

I can't get this vision outta my head. Her small body traveling across the street, landing hard on the black pavement. The blood... everywhere. I can't even close my eyes, 'cause it's all I see. The flying. The blood. Her pale, fragile body. My screams calling out her name.

**_"So far away from where you are  
These miles have torn us worlds apart  
And I miss you, yeah I miss you..."_**

She's been gone only a few days, and I miss her more than I can even imagine. What is it with songs? You turn on a station and they immediately depict how you're feeling at that moment.

**_"... I miss the years that were erased  
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face  
I miss all the little things  
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me  
Yeah I miss you  
And I wish you were here..."_**

Hasn't been years she's been gone, but I kinda miss what we'll miss out on now. I can't help but think of all the good times we've had. All the remarks, the victories, hell, even the defeats.

_"This is my wife, Dana," I introduce Olivia to the delivery guy. Undercover tryin' to bring down a cocaine drug ring. Cocaine bein' transported in baby formula.  
_

_**"**Baby, you gotta get in the shower. We have to get Vanessa and Glen to dance lessons and less than two hours," Olivia replies, smiling at me._

That, unfortunately, was also the undercover operation where I killed a dirty cop. Definitely not one of the better points in my life.

_"Any word?" I ask, appearing behind Liv as she stared at her email inbox. Some guy was rapin' women, and the only link was a dating service. So, Liv had gone undercover.  
_

_"Not yet," Olivia replied casually.  
_

_"Well, maybe you're not his type," I suggest.  
_

_ "Oh no, he was interested. I could feel it, you know?" she replies with the slightest of smiles.  
_

_ "Yeah," I reply quickly. Just then, the email appears in her inbox. She opens it and takes a look._

Not somethin' all that memorable, yet I remember it so vividly.

_"I can't do this anymore. I can't be looking over my shoulder making sure you're okay!" I yell, walking away from her quickly. I'm fuming - the boy we were trying to save. He was killed. And his sister was still missing. Because I stopped to help Liv when I thought she was hurt seriously.  
_

_"You son-of-a-bitch, you know that's not true!" Liv yells, chasing after me.  
_

_"I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to the rescue!" I reply harshly, turning to face her._

That day was one of the worst. We were able to find the girl alive. But it was a rough day, between her getting injured and then Gitano holding me at gunpoint...

We took the good with the bad, and we were still around for each other. We did take a break from each other for awhile. And then she got put undercover. It was awhile before we got back into our groove. But we managed to.

"Elliot?" a voice whispers, and I glanced over to see Kathy coming in. "You okay?" she asked softly, approaching.

"Yea, I'm fine," I sigh, sitting back in a chair finally.

"Thinking about Olivia?" she asks, taking a seat across from me. I simply nod and she sighs. "You need closure. You owe yourself that. She'd want you at the funeral," she says quietly.

"I don't think I can face them," I whisper, leaning forward. "I mean, they have to blame me..."

"Her brother?" she asks. I nod once again. Simon. And Dead. He liked her a lot. "Baby... the only person blaming you is you. She wouldn't want that Elliot," Kathy tries to reason with me. She can tell I'm not budging on this and sighs once more. "Maureen really needs to go. If you can't go for you, then go for her. Go for Maureen. For Olivia. She'd want you there," she says before standing up and disappearing from the room.

Why is everyone so insistent that I go, anyway? I lean back and listen to the radio once more, hoping to forgot everything at that moment.

**_"... Every memory of looking out the back door,  
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor.  
It's hard to say it  
Time to say it  
Goodbye, goodbye.  
Every memory of walking out the front door,  
I found the photo of the friend I was looking for.  
It's hard to say it  
Time to say it  
Goodbye, goodbye..."_**

Kathy is right. It's time to say goodbye. Liv said it to me. As much as I hated that. It's my turn. For Liv.

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**Author's Note: Was it worth the wait? Please review!!!!!**


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